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The Cloud of Unknowing, a poem with only one rhyme and a disappointing end

Alexander Startlebum, a deer

I caught a little bizzlewraith and shoved it in my ear.
It sang so softly quiet, ’twas the only way to hear
its melody of party pants and T-shirts soaked with tears
leaking from the eyeballs of allergic engineers
who work all day on train tracks and at night while drinking beers
they sneeze away the coaldust leaving greyish mucus smears
all down their wet apparel and their glasses and pet deer
named Alexander Startlebum – they’ve trained him to say ‘cheers’
and open up their bottles with his prongy antl–eers.
Whilst they’re drinking, sneezing, crying, and Alexander’s saying ‘cheers’
the train track men are startled – a salesman appears
before their leaky eyes proclaiming, ‘You’re lucky day, m’dears!
I’ve got a medication that will kill your allerjeers.
Just pop this pill at breakfast; you won’t sneeze for 13 years.’
‘Breakfast? No! We’ll take it now!’ cried the engineers,
‘No more evenings spraying snotty coaldust on our deer!
No more streaky T-shirts and pants all soaked with tears!’
They paid their cash. They popped the pills … … … … … …
Sing louder, little bizzlewraith. I can no longer hear!
It answered not with singing but with a snide and bizzly sneer:
‘My singing isn’t quiet, dummy. The reason you can’t hear
is the golden sludgy gross-y wax that’s clogging up your ear.’
Then it slipped out and flew right off, waggling its rear
In a way that seemed to be a cruelish sort of jeer
’cause I would never know the fate of the allergic engineers.


7 June 2013
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That’s as far as this train travels, folks.

In Western evangelical Christianity there is a consistent, unsubtle pressure to be more dedicated, more radical, more disciplified, more better. This morning my inbox held an advertisement for the logical terminus of this way of thinking:

The Perfect Leader by Kenneth Boa: How would you rather lead ... by following the true leadership qualities seen in God? Or some diluted, humanistic qualities that just get you by? Discover the scriptural guidelines for ensuring that God is your pattern.

That’s right, leaders, it’s no longer good enough for you to be like Paul or Peter or Jesus. Your choice is diluted humanism (fail, obvs) or being like God. From now on, I, for one, plan to lead like God. I just need to get some omniscience, which seems like a difficult thing acquire. If only it grew on fruit trees!


7 June 2013
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‘Strong views about unicorns derived from a teaching about horses tell us nothing at all about Rhinoceroses.’

A good thing to do, even if you are not Catholic, is to read the transcript of this talk by James Alison called The Fulcrum of Discovery or: how the ‘gay thing’ is good news for the Catholic Church because the maps are being redrawn. A quote from near the beginning:

In the last fifty years or so we have undergone a genuine human discovery of the sort that we, the human race, don’t make all that often. A genuine anthropological discovery: one that is not a matter of fashion, or wishful thinking; not the result of a decline in morals or a collapse of family values. We now know something objectively true about humans that we didn’t know before: that there is a regularly occurring, non-pathological minority variant in the human condition, independent of culture, habitat, religion, education, or customs, which we currently call “being gay”. This minority variant is not, of course, lived in a way that is independent of culture, habitat, religion, education and customs. It is lived, as is every other human reality, in an entirely culture-laden way, which is one of the reasons why it has in the past been so easy to mistake it as merely a function of culture, psychology, religion or morality: something to get worked up about rather than something that is just there.


28 April 2013
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Life is hard enough without people asking you to do things, but they ask you to do things anyway, so here are 111 handy excuses you can use when they do

  1. I have to walk my dog
  2. My dog ate it
  3. My dog has to go to the vet
  4. My dog died
  5. I’m depressed
  6. The economy is terrible
  7. We have to make austerity cutbacks
  8. It was the coldest March on record
  9. Spring’s coming late this year
  10. The kids are still in school
  11. The holidays are coming soon and the kids won’t be in school
  12. I’m not old enough
  13. I’m not as young as I used to be
  14. The potato harvest was terrible this year
  15. I’m tired out from lambing season
  16. I have to milk the cows
  17. I have to plant the corn
  18. I have to plant the beans
  19. I have to plant the apples
  20. I have to plant the horses
  21. I have to plant the evidence at the crime scene to divert the police’s attention away from me
  22. I have to flee the country
  23. I’m saving for my holiday
  24. I’m saving for my retirement
  25. I’m saving for a rainy day
  26. It’s too rainy
  27. It’s sunny now, but it might rain later
  28. That’s not how we do it in Britain
  29. This is Wales. You can’t do that here
  30. Foreigners are taking all our jobs
  31. Cutbacks are taking all our jobs
  32. Computers are taking all our jobs
  33. Robots are taking all our jobs
  34. Unicorns are taking all our jobs
  35. Vicious kittens with laser eyes riding on robotic unicorns are taking all our jobs
  36. I’m living in a fantasy world
  37. I’m waiting for Scottish independence
  38. I’m waiting for the Tories to get kicked out of government
  39. I’m waiting for that man to come to his senses
  40. I’m waiting for my operation
  41. I’m waiting my ship to come in
  42. I haven’t got a ship
  43. The shipping is too expensive
  44. Have you seen the price of petrol lately?
  45. Have you seen what they did to that poor girl just because she was different?
  46. People are jerks
  47. I have to look at photos of kittens and other cute animals
  48. My internet is too slow
  49. I’ve lost my internet connection
  50. I can’t get through to tech support
  51. I’m restarting my computer
  52. I’m not sure if I want to log off
  53. I might miss something on Twitter
  54. I might miss Game of Thrones
  55. I might miss some deep existential insight
  56. My pores are clogged
  57. I have to exfoliate
  58. My hair’s not ready
  59. I need a new outfit
  60. I need to get dressed for success
  61. I need to listen to my 80s records
  62. I don’t have a record player
  63. I can’t do anything without my music
  64. I’ve got back problems
  65. I’ve got knee problems
  66. I’ve got emotional problems
  67. I’ve got 99 problems
  68. My ice cream just fell off the cone
  69. I’m hungry
  70. I need a snack
  71. I need dinner
  72. I want dessert first
  73. I need to lose weight
  74. I have low self esteem
  75. I have low blood sugar
  76. I have a low white blood cell count
  77. I have to stay in and count my blood cells
  78. I don’t know how
  79. I tried it once and I wasn’t any good at it
  80. The other kids will laugh at me
  81. I’m scared
  82. I’m scarred
  83. I have emotional issues
  84. I’ve run out of tissues
  85. I don’t know what fish you should use due to depletion issues
  86. My carbon footprint is too big
  87. My shoes are too tight
  88. My bum looks big in this dress
  89. My husband has no tact
  90. My husband refuses to talk to me
  91. My wife is always nagging me
  92. This kitchen won’t clean itself
  93. No one appreciates the work I do
  94. No one listens to me
  95. No one cares
  96. I already signed an online petition
  97. Nothing I do makes a difference anyway
  98. That man is looking at me like I’m stupid
  99. That man looks suspicious
  100. That man is probably a mass murderer
  101. Most people are probably mass murderers when they get the chance
  102. I have phobias
  103. I’ve had four beers
  104. I have a drinking problem
  105. I have to go because I spilled my drink all over myself
  106. I have to go because I hear nature calling. Quite urgently.
  107. I have to go because I left a cake in the oven
  108. I have to go because I left a cat in the oven
  109. I have to go because I left my wife and she is pursuing me for child support
  110. I have to go because sometimes when the humidity is high my elbows swell up and I get embarrassed
  111. Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood (03:27)


28 April 2013
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Convert, or else

In August 2011 I created an updated crucifix showing Jesus put to death by today’s most powerful empire. Possibly in that same spirit but with way more awesomeness Kris Kuski has created some amazing sculptures of church joining state.

Churchtank by Kris Kuski

If you fancy some related reading, I recommend what John Michael Greer and Greg Boyd have to say about civil religion.


21 April 2013
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You read Peter Rollins’ blog, right?

Of course you do, because if you didn’t you would miss out on thoughts like this:

In Paul’s definition of the trash-people as the divine collective the crap and the holy are joined together in a type of parallax similar to what we find in the wave-particle duality discovered by physicists.

By employing the logic of Paul we can then claim that the ‘place of no-place’ which the outsider marks is nothing less than the holy site where our world is constantly under threat of being undone.

Theologically speaking the complete outsider, who we treat as dead, thus haunts us as a type of sacred undead. An idea that is beautifully captured in the proclamation of Paul that God chose ‘the things that are not–to nullify the things that are..


21 April 2013
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The Reverend & Amy are back!

Read page 19.


20 April 2013
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If Dr Seuss wrote the bible it would be better than this, but I still think you should read this poem aloud to your children

Now Peter was Jesus’s very close friend.
He said I’ll not deny you. I’ll stick to the end.
Then soldiers grabbed Jesus, and Simon Pete ran
away just as fast as a very scared man
dressed in a dress and two sandals can.
(For that was the way that they dressed way back THAN.)
Then Pete started and stopped and he turned.
‘This is my friend from whom I have learned.
I cannot just leave him!’ Pete’s embarrassment burned.
He walked back to Jesus, twelve sixths of a mile,
till he came to the spot where his friend was on trial
He looked in the building and wanted to shout,
‘Don’t worry, Jesus! I’ll bust you out!’
But he didn’t. He went to get warm by the fire –
and right there is where Pete turned into a liar.
A servant girl saw him with clever bright eyes.
‘Aha!’ she exclaimed, ‘I recognise
your face. You’re with those travel with Jesus guys.’
Pete’s throat went all funny. He had a small choke.
He restarted his breathing, then carefully spoke:
‘I am a traveller. That much is true.
But this man you call Jesus – I don’t know who
he is. I only just stopped in here because
my toes are quite chilly, my brain’s in a fuzz
I could use a big dinner and a nice coffee buzz
You see, I travelled today from the hills of Dorduzz.’
The servant walked off, not quite convinced,
but there was soup to be served and beef to be minced.
Another guy saw Pete and said, ‘You’re with him!’
Pete’s throat got all lumpy, but he said with some vim:
‘I don’t even know him! Clear off, sonny Jim!’
The man left, but Pete’s heart was all palpitations
and his knees had gone week with fearful vibrations
that if they found out, they might make him dead
so he went kind of crazy when the next person said:
‘You’re Galilean. I bet you know Jesus.’
Pete’s voice changed to guttural, anger-filled wheezes.
Dear children, I hate to, but really must say,
these are the words Pete shouted that day:
‘Shut the bleep up you bleep bleeping creep!
I don’t bleeping know Jesus, so bleep bleeping bleep.’
How long Peter’s swearing could’ve gone, I don’t know,
But then the dawn broke and the cock did some crows.
And Pete wept and his tears soaked his dress and his toes,
and his beard got all gunged with the snot from his nose.
He stumbled away feeling pukishly ill,
while Jesus was nailed to a cross on a hill.
Let’s pause for a moment. Now fast forward two weeks
Pete’s been fishing all night and totally reeks
of sweat pooling in pits and dripping down cheeks,
and all that he’s caught is a bad case of the bleaks.
For what fish would swim into the net of a jerk
who abandoned his friend then thought he could work
at his old job on a boat back in north Galilee?
‘Even that shouting man on the shore’s mocking me,’
Thinks Pete. Then he hears that it’s kindly advice:
‘Throw your net on the left of the boat once or twice.’
Now everyone knows that you fish on the right.
You fish on the right when you’re fishing all night.
But Pete reached the point where he just didn’t care,
so he threw to the left with a casual swear.
And the fish! Oh the fish! The fish in the net!
You’ve never caught this many fish I will bet.
Peter’s friend John said, ‘Pete, it’s the Lord!’
Without even a thought Pete jumped overboard,
and the foul-smelling sweat on his cheeks and his pits
was washed away as he swam (and so were his nits).
When he got to the shore Jesus hugged him to bits
and served him forgiveness, fresh fish and some grits.
And if you think that this poem is ending, yes, it’s.


14 April 2013
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The lamentable story of a desperate man who is hoping for help from a suspect mythical being when what he really needs is an intervention of grace

Sign: There's no such thing as the dog poo fairy

There’s no such thing as the dog poo fairy!
I yell to the woman walking her dog away from the steaming pile on the pavement
I yell silently in my head because I’ve lived here 12 years
and it would be terribly unbritish to say anything like that aloud
There’s no such thing as the dog poo fairy!
scream brainbound words as I hold my breath and step
around the fresh pile of
of—
metaphor
Metaphor
It’s a really obvious metaphor
which is now beating me about the head—
that’s so gross because the metaphor is the …
on the pavement
and I’m a tidy human
not a chimpanzee
Faeces
get flushed
that’s all there is to it
and yet
the metaphor insists
reminding me of all the stinking piles I’ve left behind
the anger I’ve crapped all over my family
the ooze when I use my friends like tools
the hard jobs I’ve started and left undone
and I stop
and stand
next to the mess
the dog dirt
the soil
the four letter word I don’t say in church
because I’ve been a Christian all my life
and it would be terribly unholy to say anything like that aloud
even though I can’t think of a better word to describe
the waste I’ve laid
and I convince myself I deserve nothing better than to reach down to the dog dirt with my bare hands
NO
I don’t like where this metaphor is going
I don’t like where my life is going
I don’t like anything
And then
a kick
that sticks
dog doo
to my shoe
then through the window of a passing car
that is no longer passing
It’s stopping
driver’s door opening
and the only thing I can think to shout as I run for my life
from another stinking pile
is There’s no such thing as the dog poo fairy!
Later
Inside
the curtains drawn
I am hiding under my duvet
hidden under the weight of the realisation that
I can never set foot outdoors again
overwhelmed with regret that
I didn’t take my dirty shoe off before I crawled under the covers
Night falls and I know there’s no such thing as a dog poo fairy
who will take my dirty shoe and leave 50p under my pillow
But I can’t help hoping


10 April 2013
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A writing tip (because I’m totally an amazing writer and anything I have to say about writing is guaranteed to be pure gold)

I am much better at editing that I am at writing. Unfortunately, Llandrillo College doesn’t give me the option of editing other people’s papers for my grades. Since most of the writing I do these days is for my grades, I’ve had to figure out a way to do actual writing of lots of words in a row. My solution is to get to the editing as quickly as possible. I slam words into my word processor as fast as I can until I’ve met the word count (this still takes hours). I’ve learned not to care about spelling or using exactly the right word or even finishing sentences.The important thing is to get through the necessary hardship of filling the blank page with words as quickly as possible. Once I’ve got a terrible first draft, the work becomes much easier for me because I’m doing the much more natural (for me) work of editing.

So here’s the tip: think about the part of writing that you are best at then adjust your workflow to turn the majority of the work into the thing that you do best.


1 April 2013
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