I wrote and Christine and I performed this sketch at our church on Sunday. Christine would be a brilliant HR person.
Welcome to Saviours PLC, Jesus. Is it okay for me to call you Jesus?
Yes, that’s fine.
So you would like to become a saviour?
And of course the reason you are here is so that we can talk through your application, but I have some promising news. There is a small middle-eastern country under Roman rule that is a desperate for a saviour. We think you might be right for the job.
Hmm. What I’m really interested in is saving the whole world.
(laughs) Aren’t we all? But you’ve got to start somewhere and work your way up. So let’s say we give you this job, what kind of first impression do you want to make?
I was thinking I could be born quietly in a little out-of-the-way town.
Really? No big fanfare?
Some big fanfare could be good. I know! What if on the night I was born we had a massive choir of angels singing about it?
I’m liking it. That’s gonna make some headlines.
And we will put them out in the countryside so no one sees them except for a few shepherds.
Won’t that kind of be a waste of angels? They don’t come cheap you know.
I know, but shepherds are worth it.
Okay, well let’s move on. How would you do the growing up thing? If this was the 21st century, we could do a reality TV show: Today in the Big Saviour House little Jesus –
No, I think it would be better if I just grew up quietly.
Sure. Sure. Get to know the situation, make some behind the scenes connections. And then Bam! you burst onto the scene from no where. When are you going to do that? 16?
I was thinking thirty.
That seems a bit old. I’m not sure if the kids will go for you if you wait that long.
Well, maybe you could have a PR guy sort of get people excited about me?
Definitely. I know the perfect person. John Baptist. He’s kind of eccentric – eats bugs and has an obsession with dunking people anytime he’s near water. But he can grab people’s attention better than anyone I know.
So we send him out six months before you. He gets everyone hyped up, then we do a big launch event at the Temple – Jesus Christ, Superstar! The Romans won’t know what hit ‘em.
No, we do the launch event at the Jordan River. And nothing too fancy. John Baptist can dunk me, then my dad will send a bird out of heaven to land on me.
I dunno. That sounds more like performance art or something. I’m not sure people will get it.
Doesn’t matter. It’s just important that I do it.
Okay, whatever. You’re launched. It’s time to get busy saving Israel. What do you do?
First, I announce a new kingdom.
Perfect. That will get right up those big Roman noses. The kingdom of Jesus.
No, it’ll be my dad’s kingdom.
The kingdom of God?
So far you are not really proposing anything very normal.
Normal’s been done already.
That’s why it’s called normal. Okay, you are going to need a team. There’s a terrorist group called the Zealots. If they had a strong leader –
Sounds good. I’ll have one of those.
Yeah. And some small businessmen, maybe fishermen or something.
Okay… They don’t really have a lot of free time, but I guess you can always count on small businessmen to hate the government. They are always overtaxed. Hey! You could lead a tax revolt. The Romans are taxing these poor people to death.
No, I think it is important for people to pay their taxes. Speaking of taxes, I’d like a Revenue and Customs guy on my team.
Are you crazy? Your fishermen will beat him up and your Zealot will kill him.
It’ll be fine. I won’t let him handle the money.
Ah, yes. The money. Financing a revolution isn’t cheap you know. I was thinking we could make you independently wealthy.
I was thinking I could be working class.
How are you going to pay your staff? Cover your travel expenses? Feed your followers?
Whoever wants to can contribute. I’m pretty sure there will be a group of rather well-off women who will support me.
Women ? !
Yes. Obviously some of my followers will be women.
This is first century Palestine we are talking about. Women have about as many rights as a donkey. You’ve got to keep your focus. You are going to save Israel from the Romans. You can’t expect to change the whole world!
Well, actually – I did say…
Fine. How are you going to do it?
After I announce my dad’s kingdom, I’m going start healing people.
Healthcare reform. That’s always popular.
Then I’m going to teach them about the kingdom.
Okay, get them excited about the new thing. Get them to stand up for their rights.
No. Tell them to lay down their rights. Teach them to love their enemies. Stuff like that.
You do realise that this interview is only happening because of your Father’s influence? What’s next in your big plan?
Well, this kingdom is so radically different that the religious establishment will hate it.
You do remember that ‘the religious establishment’ are part of the people you are going to save?
Yes. They are going to hate it so much they will want to kill me.
Well, at least you’ll be prepared. How are you going to stop them?
No. I’m going to let them kill me.
To save the world.
Oooo-kaay. But how does that rescue the Jews from Roman oppression?
So you want to take the opportunity that we’re offering you, throw out the thousands of years of proven Saviour methods, and then completely fail to do what we send you down there for.
If you want to look at if from a negative point of view, yes.
I’m sorry. Your dad may be big and powerful, but there is no way you are going to get this job. Thank you for your time. Good bye.